It's about 1:27Am and i can't go to sleep. Today will be my brother-in-laws and his fiancee wedding. But I cannot sleep because I keep thinking about how I will feel during the wedding. Whether people will like me. I don't expect going to this occasian will make us a stronger and happy go lucky family. I also envy the fact they have so much family where I never had that. She has the parents paying for the wedding. If there was anything they would need they have her family. I don't have that type of security when it coems to family and then the beautiful wedding. Something David and I couldnt afford and couldn't have. Maybe whats making me have all these feelings is the problems in our marriage. Our marriage is far from the most intimate. We did have sex today but since yesterday I no longer expect for us to have regular intimacy. Maybe the most 4 times a year is what im looking at . And I think somehow I'll be able to live with that. I guess I see my situation so bad that i am starting to envy the seemingly perfect relationship of my BIL and his bride to be. I wanted us to have a normal life and marriage. But I guess with anything in life there is always a challenge. I am trying to incorporate prayer in my life so that I can touch basis with God on a daily bases. Maybe the way to cope with my needy emotions is to start working. Doing something with my life other than sitting here all day. I really want to go to school and learn something and that what I'll do. The next challenge would be finding what interest me and managing taking care of our son. I know deep down in side im capable of more. Maybe I'm to scared to do it or don't believe it. Not sure whats holding me back from doing more with my life. My weight gain; Im working on losing this weight so i can regain my confidence. So that i can do more. I'm still antsy about this wedding. Maybe it wont be as bad as i thought. Why does it matter to me so much if they really like me . I started reading the book of John today also. Hoping maybe it will help me on my faith and walk with God. I'm trying to change my life....our lives in general with small steps. I'm going to try to walk around this block daily if possible.

Mood:  hug me
Today my husband and I had an arguement because I felt it was ok to let my son play on the floor on his back because he goes back and forth on his stomach and back now that he has learned to roll over. He kept pressing the issues while i was studying and I just lost it and yes i even used profanity. I know that the way i handled it wasn't the way a wife suppose to talk to her husband and I felt it almost didn't matter because there were alot of things we didnt do as a married couple so why expect a civil arguement? I am slowly trying to cope with the fact this is just the way my marriage is. Never to expect any intimacy or the loving I've wanted in the past. The hard part is accepting this without resentment and placing the energy I have for that need somewhere else. And I am trying to find that even tho I'm not doing a good job at finding that in my life. I have narrowed it down to Pharmaceutical Compounding. I think it might be interesting making medical specialized for people to take there medication better. Maybe it would be a good place to put my energy in. The thing I'm looking forward to right now is just getting to pharmacy school and giving Omar a good education.

** I thought I was done writing but felt I needed to right more to vent. I keep thinking back to all the times I mentioned the intimacy issues and while I have said I am willing to just give up on it I find it hard not to. Maybe next Oct/Nov I'll ask the gynocologist for a birth control that is known to cause a decrease in sexual desire. I figure this is the only way to tame that desire. I am so tired of bringing up our intimacy issues. After all how I feel really doesn't matter. Somedays I feel i married the coldest man on the planet. I love my husband alot. But the thought of me going over to hug him or kiss him leaves me fearfull of rejection that I don't do it. For 4 years I was rejected and I can't forget. And like past time when I have mentioned it, it was always something. And it was always my fault. You didnt do this, you didnt do that. Or I was busy. Or under stress. Like I wasn't? Right now I am so angry I feel like screaming and telling him to F off. The more I write the more I realise how unhappy and unhealthy our marriage seems yet im convinced and certain a counselor isnt going to help because I know once we go the finger gets pointed at me. And yes so I havent washed the dishes and yea maybe I don;t exactly feel giddy about cleaning this aparetment which is littered with boxes just like the apartment in Puerto Rico. I'm not making excuses but I don't get the kick out of living in a messy place either I am just not feeling all the great enough to want to do that. If any this is not what I wanted, to be in the house all day. I never once imagined I'd being a housewife. I never wanted to be at home all day and be the person to be the one constantly appointed to clean the house. I had dreams of doing more with my life yet I failed miserably at being about to do those things. One I became more anxious and fearful of going out places it definately got rid of the posibility of me followig my dreams. Then living in Puerto Rico took 4-5 years out of my education. The infertility drained me and the hopelessness made me cry constantly. And about the crying I wish my husband could have been more sensitive to my pain instead he almost subconsciously punished me by removing affection and telling me to stop crying. Maybe part of the reason why I am writing in a journal is because I feel like I don't get heard. I just wanted a normal marriage and a normal life. A home. Children (which I've succeded in having one) and a good sex life. Exceot one the one child I have none of that happened. I know we dont have the money to do all those things but the things we dont have to pay for we dont have. No wonder I find myself envying others for the great relationship while I feel like I dont have any of that. So far I have rambled so long maybe I should join the " The Sex starved marriage group" Not just because of the sex but because I am in great need of finding peole who can relate to how horrible I'm feeling.

Looking back
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Myself of course
When I first married my husband I sort of thought we'd go off into the sunset happy. I wouldn't have admitted to that belief back then but now I can. When i met him for the first time I thought " Wow he is very good looking" . Had no clue if he felt the same way about me until later on the date when we went from holding hands in Hollywood to kissing at his apartment. I guess we did move kind of fast. And I was in love and I'm sure he felt the same way. We got married 5 months later. you'd think things would have gotten better but it seemed things got worst once we moved to Puerto Rico. Once we got to Puerto Rico we lived with his relatives who for the most part didn't speak any English. Any very intrusive. So intrusive we never had any time together after we got married and I became very angry about that. That eventually I'm sure everyone picked up on my anger which they did of course. We had alot of arguments over that some which led to him asking do you want a divorce? We finally moved out of their after a month. And moved into an apartment in the main city close by the beach. We in the beginning intended on staying but after awhile we realized we wouldn't be happy staying there so we contemplated moving to Florida but right before the trip to Florida just so we could check it out. I was ready to become a mom. I wanted it so bad I kept pressing the issue. For awhile he said no but eventually i convinced him to say yes. We tried for 10 months and nothing happened. I knew something had to be wrong so I went to see a Ob/gyn who happened to be a jerk and blamed everything on my weight. So I decided to try another doc who ran some test and found out my fallopian tubes were blocked. After I found out my tubes were blocked I became depressed and I felt vulnerable. So vulnerable soon after the diagnosis I started having panic attacks. My OB/GYN at the time said I needed IVF. But we couldn't because my husband wanted to wait until we moved to FL. Sadly that never happened. We had one transfer prospect that fell through so many times we gave up and took a trasnfer to San Diego.. I'll write more when I have more alone time.